Some advice on winning West Virginia: ; Picking locations for coal photo-ops takes some thought

FOR the first time in 48 years, West Virginia's presidentialprimary matters. Being neither a native of the state nor, any more,a Democrat, I likely am the worst person in the state to adviseanyone on this race.

Which makes me about 10 times better than all these consultantsthat Democratic Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are paying.

First, the candidates should repeat after me: "I am happy to bein West Virginia, where I hope the people will do for me what WestVirginia did for Jack Kennedy in 1960, and make me president."

I suggest the candidates say this at Jim's Steak and SpaghettiHouse in Huntington. In fact, Republican Sen. John McCain can beatboth of them to the punch if he hurries.

The candidates should not eat the ramps. Cheesesteaks inPhiladelphia? Fine. Ramps in Summersville? Just say no.

Fayetteville is in North Carolina. It's Fetville here. Hurrcun.Kun-gnaw.

Or maybe the candidates should call it the Canna-wah river.Voters could use a good laugh.

West Virginians like guns. The more, the merrier. West Virginianscome fully loaded under one of the nation's best concealed-weaponslaws.

The answer to the question of whether a person is armed orunarmed in this state comes from a Clint Eastwood movie: You feelinglucky, punk?

This tends to keep the crime rate down. Criminals may be dumb,but they are not suicidal.

West Virginians hunt deer, bear, turkeys and sundry othercritters that do not live in Chicago or Washington.

The candidates are advised to just leave at home their tale talesof hunting under sniper fire. No one buys it.

NASCAR is big here. No. 8 seems popular, mainly because so manypeople identified with No. 3. But Rudy Giuliani went to a NASCARrace and look how far he got.

I suggest riding an all-terrain vehicle. It would be more fun andit might take a candidate farther.

It is not that the candidate rides ATVs at home; it is that thecandidate is willing to ride one for the first time. People like itwhen they know more than some know-it-all politician.

As for coal, a Democratic candidate should visit a unionized deepmine in the morning and declare support for coal, and in theafternoon, visit a non-union surface mine and declare allegiance tosaving mountains.

This will have the national press crying hypocrisy, but WestVirginia Democrats will understand. We need our coal. We love ourhills. Life has its contradictions.

Now about the senators: West Virginians tolerate Jay Rockefellerbut revere Robert C. Byrd.

That's not how I would have set it up, but no one asked me. Thatis how it is.

One reason people revere Byrd is that he knows when to keep histrap shut. He backed Hubert Humphrey in 1960.

Lesson learned.

Candidates should also keep their mouths shut about thedeprivations of their childhoods. The voters are older here, andthey had it worse.

When Obama talks about his mother receiving food stamps, eyesaround here roll as people recall their mommas hoeing the garden.

And unless his grandmother was picking pineapples at that bankwhere she worked as a vice president, Obama should not complainabout growing up in Hawaii.

As for Clinton, the less said the better. It will not surprise meif she sings "Coal Miner's Daughter" before this thing is through.

If she does, it will make You Tube.

Which brings up songs: Leave all that John Mellencamp crap inIndiana. It's "Country Roads" and "God Bless the U.S.A." here.

Overall, my advice to the candidates is to emulate Kennedy andjust be themselves. They should not try to be "one of us." They areIvy League-trained millionaire lawyers who sit in the Senate. Theyare no more "one of us" than a Martian is.

But neither was Kennedy. He never pretended to be. He respectedthat being "one of us" took more than a story of some long-ago woe.A lot more.

And who said West Virginians want "one of us" in the White House,anyway?

The only West Virginian ever nominated for president - DemocratJohn Davis in 1920 - failed to carry the state.